y'all, i've been saying i want to create something for like 3 years now. (probably has something to do with a grueling full-time job, which i love most days, but leaves me exhausted.) this past spring my friend and i started talking about doing a test together. fast forward to a couple of months ago (while i was out of state on a press check) and we finally decided to quit talking about it and get our shit together. an homage to the end of summer, we channeled our inner palm springs, all things bright, pink, & green. we worked on this outside of our full-time jobs for about a month and half. we labored, laughed, almost killed each other, consumed way too coffee & sugar, pet mouthy cats, went crazy listening to put out pop, and spit out one hell of a body of work. i love it and now you love it too. ;)
our last full day day in nyc began at irving farm coffee roasters. we spent a few mornings here, they really did have some great coffee + food, and there's a few throughout the city. this morning was super fucking cold, it even flurried a little when we got into brooklyn. i don't know how that bride made it through those photos, but she was too cute.
my friend is OBSESSED with tea, so of course we had to pop in bellocq. we actually walked around the building a couple of times, it looked like an empty warehouse, but inside was the prettiest tea shop + tea room. we sniffed all kinds of white, green, black, oolong, and rooibos. we also asked the girls working there for a lunch recommendation and wandered over to a delicious place in greenpoint called glasserie. whatever i had was fucking amazing, i remember that much!
we ubered over to williamsburg to shop the boutiques and came across this amazing bookstore that had an egggleston collection of books for $1000. a lot out of my price range, but definitely great to see in person. we ended up in a bar that had a half pipe caged off inside of it. we sat at our table watching the skaters for hours and drinking til we couldn't anymore. we met a couple of sweet long island couples and danced with people we'll never see again. perfect way to end a trip.
i was hoping to go back this year, but maybe next. there's so much to do in the city we couldn't find time to go to any of the big art museums. and that is a must see for me.
you guys, it's been so long since i've blogged i don't even remember what we did in nyc! but i'll do my best...
after looking through these photos from almost a year ago it's coming back to me. we started our day out at stumptown in the ace hotel. i was too distracted and hungry and tired to take any photos, but one day i'll stay in that beautiful hotel. after i've married rich. we headed toward chelsea afterwards to visit the aperture gallery and some others in the area. luckily we found a delicious place to have lunch at proteño before exploring. i picked up a book on diane arbus and a couple of others that contain writings on photography. i haven't looked at either much since, but one article stuck out to me entitled sex again. it was all about how sex has gotten so mainstream, how people are accustomed to hard-core porn, and nothing is shocking anymore in that regard, people get more of a thrill going to the mall. talk amongst yourselves.
after we looked at some art, we wandered around chelsea some more, popped in a couple of bookstores and checked out intelligentsia. which i was wonderfully surprised to see that my local fresh market carries their beans! hooray! also, have i mentioned i love nothing more than grabbing coffee with a friend? we probably did this twice a day during our nyc visit. after we were nicely caffeinated we walked along the hi-line and watched the traffic build as it got towards rush hour. i believe this was the day we also ended up in midtown and tried to visit the library but it was closed. sad panda. and made our way to the empire state building. ummm talk about some beautiful detail! the marble! the granite! the gold! oh my! it was... fucking cold y'all. and dark. the lights were cool from the city, but i love the aerial shots i see on instagram. maybe next time, if i feel like standing in line during the day. but probably not.
and that was our day. it was long, it was cold, it was new york. it's weird to visit a place and have it feel exactly like you would expect. la was the same when i went last year for work. it felt like i'd already been there a dozen times, but it was my first.
i realize this was not the most exciting post, but i'm trying to get back into this. plus, i want to document what i did! i've said this for probably a couple of years now, but i miss blogging. i miss having an outlet to express myself, not only with photos, but words and thoughts. i have one more nyc post, and then i'll move on to something else. i noticed a while ago that i tend to blog about my travels. i don't necessarily want this space to be only about new and different places, but my whole life. and that includes a mundane photo of a cup of coffee.
"everybody has that thing where they need to look one way but they come out looking another way and that's what people observe. you see someone on the street and essentially what you notice about them is the flaw. it's just extraordinary that we should have been given these peculiarities. something is ironic in the world and it has to do with the fact that what you intend never comes out like you intend it." - diane arbus
“we’re all products of what we want to project to the world. even people who don’t spend any time, or think they don’t, on preparing themselves for the world out there – i think that ultimately they have for their whole lives groomed themselves to be a certain way, to present a face to the world.” – cindy sherman
this post is a little nerve-wrecking for me, and all i've done so far is show you my tits.
a handful of people know about my childhood. my mother and i have a... difficult relationship. any emotional baggage i have stems from that woman. i love her, and i hate her. it's exhausting feeling those two polar opposite emotions towards another human being at all times.
for as long as i can remember i have always felt less than worthy of my mother's love. she equates value with physicality, something to be measured and quantified. my younger sister is very beautiful and i grew up hearing about this from anyone and everyone, people mistake her for a model on a regular basis. my mother was also very beautiful when she was younger, and constantly reminds us of this fact and how similar my sister and her are, not only in their beauty, but their personalities. i am the hardworking, talented, funny (but not pretty) daughter. all of this was something i knew growing up, but didn't quite understand how it affected me until i was out on my own, away from my mother and her abuse. it was abuse. i can say that now after 7 years of trying to work out what happened in our home.
the thing is though, i know my mother didn't do any of it purposefully. i know in her own way she loves me, but she damaged me. i grew up being told no man would ever want me. she would scream this at me when she was angry. i was told many times i was disgusting and vile and no man wants to look at a girl like me. to be told that as a teenage girl, by your own mother, is devastating. so much of a woman's worth is tied to her appearance.
i didn't date in high school or college. i wanted to, but i always went after guys who wanted nothing to do with me in that way. looking back, i was probably trying to protect myself by holding onto people who didn't want me. because if they didn't want me, they couldn't really hurt me, and i'd already been hurt so much in my young life.
i have some incredible friends i can talk to about this, they are my therapy. a couple of them have told me my mother is a narcissist. i didn't know this was a personality disorder until recently, but it makes sense. i've known for years there is something off about my mother. no mentally healthy person treats others the way that she does. so many times growing up i felt like i was going crazy. she told me i needed therapy as she was screaming at me from other side of a bedroom door. what she failed to realize was she was the cause of all of my out of control feelings. i realized after i left home that i never, ever felt that way around anyone else, only her.
it must be obvious by now to anyone reading this post that i had major body issues growing up. i never spoke of the abuse at home to anyone until i was 25 or so. by that time i had been away from my mother on a daily basis and could start to come to terms with how i was affected by everything. the more people i told, the easier it became, and the more i realized how un-normal my childhood was. when you grow up in a home with abuse it's hard to know what is acceptable behavior sometimes. when i started telling my friends some of the things she said to me, they were shocked. and i was shocked they were shocked.
the closer i got to thirty, the more i started to fully accept who i am as a person, flaws and all. (and there are a lot of them.) i'm never going to be skinny, and i don't want to be. my body was made to have curves and i love them now. i'm never going to have long legs, but my short legs get me to where i need to be. i'm always going to have big boobs, that hurt my back and make my clothes fit weird, but they make me feel like a woman. my lips are big and i used to be incredibly self-conscious about them growing up because they garnered unwanted attention, but am now trying to embrace them. my stomach will probably always have a cookie pooch, but oh well, i like food even though it doesn't like me back.
to some all of this may seem silly. another girl whining about her looks. that isn't my purpose at all with this post. it's about healing myself and moving past some things so that i can be a better version of myself. i've never spoken to my mother about any of this, and i don't think i ever will. a friend told me about gaslighting the other day. it's something narcissistic people do to make their victims feel like everything is their fault and the abuser has no blame in the matter. so for my own sanity, i'll tell the internet rather than my mother in hopes of releasing some of the trauma.
i'm thankful to be part of a generation that acknowledges mental health disorders and wants to face them, rather than sweeping things under the rug. i long ago left religion, it's not for me. but when i did, i realized that this is it. we have one life and i want to make the most of mine and be happy. it's a choice to let someone take that away from you and i don't want someone to have that power over me any longer.
we got a jump on the subway our first night in nyc to try and figure things out. we wanted our first full day to go a little bit more smoothly if possible. as soon as we got underground i was in love. we have a train system here in dallas, but it's not anything like the subway of nyc. the subway is old, and dirty, and dark, and gross. and i love it. using it makes you feel like a real new yorker, and once you figure it out (which wasn't too hard with a handy app) you can pretty much go anywhere you want. we mostly rode it during down times, but being on it during rush hour was quite an experience.
our second day we headed to soho and saw the flatiron while walking. it was cold and rainy, so the building didn't photograph well. next time. we happened upon a darling little coffee shop that i don't remember the name of with a wonderful little bookstore attached. i picked up a few of my favorite independent magazines. we also stopped in a 2 story madewell and i bought a pair of boots i'd been lusting over for months. on sale! we walked around some more, grew hungry, and headed over to chinatown where my sister suggested we eat at dimes. she'd read a lot about it and highly recommended it. and i do too, it was very delicious and VERY tiny. probably 8 tables in the whole place. after lunch, we headed up to the lower east side, stopped for coffee because let's face it, my ass is not used to walking 8 miles a day and i needed constant breaks and caffeine. we happened to be down there when a big 7 alarm fire and building collapse happened. it was very odd timing.